it's been a long time since I've actually maintained a blog (let alone kept a proper journal) but I think that in the interest of tracking progress and my experiences as a freelance artist, this is a good thing for me. my goal is to share my story as candidly as possible, because the blunt truth has always helped me to reevaluate my position in life and grow.
I'll start with a little bit about where I am in life right now. I'm 22, recently graduated, and working as a Park Ranger for the summer. it's not exactly what I envisioned for myself when I thought about where I'd like to be immediately after college, but the more I sit and think about it, the more I've come to realize that life is rarely going to pan out the way we think it should - and that's perfectly okay. I'm making money, I'm working outside, I love the job, I'm still using the training I received in my chosen field, and like everything else: this is only temporary.
but I have to be honest... it also is a huge blow emotionally. I don't like the fact that I'm frequently a jealous person, and I actively try to keep that part of me in check. however, how can I not be a little jealous when I see people around me succeed right away, and get to do what they love? am I not good enough, smart enough, ready enough? did I make a mistake spending four years to get a degree in something I'm not good at?
when these thoughts consume me, as they often do, I have to take a step back. I also have to call my mom and cry a little, but once that's done I am able to remind myself that no two people the same path to success. I'm exactly where I'm meant to be right now, even if I don't really like the place I'm in. I have to learn from every experience, take the opportunities I can take, and continue to work hard to make my dreams become reality. comparing myself to others isn't going to make me a better woman, daughter, or artist. I have to trust myself, my abilities, and my passion. they've gotten me this far!
I'm not saying that any of the above are easy things to remind myself of. it's hard to do when you're dealing with depression, anxiety, and a whole lot of self doubt.
when I'm reciting these reminders in the mirror, or in bed before I fall asleep - I frequently don't believe myself. but the repetition is important. if I say that I'm worth it enough times, I'll start to believe it. if I say I'm destined for good things enough times, I'll start to believe that too.
people tell me that if I want things to happen, I need to put them out into the universe. I have a five year plan for myself, and I know that writing it out (in part) on here is going to help to continue to inspire me to put it in motion. so here it is:
by the end of five years: I will be working in either New York or Los Angeles, in theatre or in film.
to get there: I will be applying for the Directors Guild's Assistant Director's Training Program this year, and every year until I get in. In the interim, I will be working as an ASM or PA, getting my Equity weeks and saving to join the union.
the journey to where I am now has been difficult and draining, but it has also been incredibly rewarding. I know that the weeks, months and years ahead of me will be no different, but I can confidently say I'm as excited as I am terrified for the challenge.
I don't know when I'll be updating again, but it feels great to kick this off on a hopeful note.
-efp